Mathematicians and physicists across the ages have attempted to explain the universe and all it contains. In their spare time, they bent their minds to an equally complex task – to develop a mathematical theorem for the ‘Perfect Souvlaki’.
First postulated in ancient Greece and attributed to Aristotle (384 BC – 322 BC), who was heard to utter the words;
“I have defined ‘motion’, yet, I do not know how I spilled souvlaki on my shirt!”
The mathematical theorem for the Perfect Souvlaki has been as elusive as the Higgs Boson particle. Many theories have been put forward and ridiculed, in much the same way as Galileo was by the Pope, climate scientists by Tony Abbot and James Hird by Caroline Wilson (or vice versa)….. until now!
Rickous of Centre of Excellence has published his now proven theorem for the Perfect Souvlaki (PS):
Mass of souva plus Volume of sauce
Divided by,
Molecular structure of bag plus Rate of consumption*
Must equal the PS (or enjoyment factor) value of 1
Or, as an expression:
(M + V) ÷ (S + R) = 1
*Note – Rate of consumption (RC value) is affected by another set of variables – flavour combination, tenderness of lamb and perfectness of bread.
All PS values greater than 1 convert to, and are known as, the ‘Spill on Shirt (SOS)’ values. These ‘SOS’ values being greater than 1 do not equal the enjoyment factor of 1 and point to an inferior souvlaki.
All PS values less than one convert to, and are known as, the ‘Stuck in Throat’ values. These ‘Stuck in Throat’ values being less than 1 do not equal the enjoyment factor of 1 and also suggest the presence of an inferior souvlaki.
As in life, all must be in balance.
We test the theorem by consuming the ‘Mr Papadopoulos’ souva from Jimmy Grant’s – the gastronomic souvlaki equivalent of the CERN Super Collider. Let’s do the math (all scores out of 10);
- Mass of Souva – while appearing small was curiously filling with the addition of chips – 10
- Volume of sauce – the addition of mustard was risky but was used sparingly and volume proved perfect – 10.
- Molecular structure of bag – large enough to control souva but dense enough to contain wayward sauce – 10
- Rate of Consumption – flavour combination was judged as perfect, as was the beautifully cooked lamb. The bread was light but wrapped around the filing like warm doona on a cold day – 10
10 +10 / 10+10 = 1. Eureka!!!
Unlike the elusive Higgs Boson particle that has been theorised but not observed, the perfect souva can be observed and indeed consumed at Jimmy Grant’s, David St, Fitzroy. You can pick holes in the theorem but I defy you to pick holes in the Mr Papadopoulos souvlaki!
R
Related articles
- Jimmy Grant’s: The Best Souvlaki in Melbourne? (fitzroyfoodiefridays.wordpress.com)
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As pointed out by a fellow FFF member, the theorem best describes a ‘balanced’ souvlaki. However, an addendum to the theory has been noted – where the individual factors all reach a value of 10/10, then the Perfect Souvlaki or Nirvana is reached, as is the case with the ‘Mr Papadopoulos.